This is to be the day. I announce this to myself as I peal the covers off, and expose my naked body to the furniture. Today is the day that I finally fulfill the promise of college and get a job. Lord knows I need it. I shower and dress myself to the nines (why isn’t it tens?). I give myself a look in the mirror, and I know this job is mine. Out the door, I walk to catch the train. Right on time (this is my lucky day). I sit in the only open seat and look at what’s in front of me. A beautiful woman and she is looking at me (what a day). I return the look briefly, but disengage before it gets awkward (play it cool ladies man). After a few moments, I glance back, and she is still looking my way. But quickly she averts her eyes. Was she staring at my crotch? Yes I think she was (I am on fire). I continue to look her way for a moment, but her eyes do not return, only a wry smile on her lips gives her away (you dirty, dirty girl). It’s my stop and I exit without a word. I will see her again, on the train after I get this job. 27th floor. “Meeting with Mr. Johnson” I smile at the secretary. I nail it. 1st floor. I walk outside to exclaim to the world that this job is MINE. I reach my arms over my head and breath deeply as I prepare to shout. When suddenly, a cool breeze strikes my left testicle like a dart. My lungs deflate, as I turn my gaze to the gaping hole, where my zipped zipper should be.
As you saw in class, I was laughing my alpha sigma sigma off at this (and yes, I really just typed out three greek letters... that joke was for my own amusement. HIGH FIVE!). Anyway, the description of the events definitely brings humor. However, I'm not sure I really ever feel an empathetic shock/horror towards this man. I'm pretty much just laughing at you haha. That said, I definitely feel the breeze like a dart, the gaze of the woman, and all such experiences. If you do want to create a re-living though, you may want to change the general tones of the paper and remove some of the parentheses. However, if all you want is to keep the humor, then there is little advice I can offer (other than maybe retool the last sentence to be more punchline-esque. In other words, make it less clumsy to read than "zipped zipper should be.") All in all, Dirty dirty girl is the single funniest part.
ReplyDeleteThis is capturing the moment of - depending on your personality - shame, embarrassment, pride, liberation, or dread, that comes when a the character reveals too much about himself to the outside world (anatomically speaking).
ReplyDeleteI can see the scene right in front of me for sure, and I can relate to the go-get-em attitude, but I would suggest, as a non-authority, to break up the narration of events with symbols, metaphors, something to let the reader feel how good you are feeling by more than just you telling us. The internal inquisitiveness/comedy in the parentheticals endear the reader to your character and helps them identify with the fantasy you have created.
This one took me on a roller-coaster of emotion. Confidence to extreme embarrassment, with almost no stops in between. So maybe it is a more Tower of Terror ride than an actual roller coaster. One minute you are riding high, then after a hasty fall, you feel emotional bottom in the pit of your stomach.
There was an emotional attachment as previously noted, but I think it could be brought out better by controlling the pace at which it is read. For example when you catch the broad on the train staring at your neither regions, instead of "Was she staring at my crotch? Yes I think she was (I am on fire)." you could play with the punctuation and have it read: "Wait, was she staring at my crotch? Yeah, yeah I think she was. (I am on fire!). Or something like that. Also it would add to the foreshadowing you had in the first sentence.
My favorite mental image is the facial expression on the character when he realizes he his zipper is down. In my head he walks out smiling, feels the wind, looks down, then looks up like "Why!", not even rushing to remedy the situation.
One quick side note would be to watch your word choice. When you first get on the train you say a form of "look" three times in two lines. Just a thought.